Id like to take you back to the 19th August 2008, the last day I saw my mum.
I had gotten up that morning and got ready, if popped to see my nan briefly and checked in on my younger brother. Then I’d driven up to the hospice. I had decided to pop In and see mum. I went In the room seemed calm. Mum was lay on the bed my uncle and dad already there. I stayed a short while and then I said I was going but I’d be back later.
After making sure my nan & brother was ok and having had a freshen up and a drink I returned to the hospice. Me and my uncle were watching TV and generally just chilling. The room felt just calm and our own little ‘hazlewood’ bubble. My dad came back later. He and uncle Andy said they were staying that night, they didn’t want to leave mum alone that night, I knew my mum was dying but I wasn’t ready to say a final goodbye not yet. I felt a strange feeling inside as they’d not stayed previously.
At around 7pm I said I’d have to go I hadn’t eaten all day you see. Dad asked if I’d stay at home that night with my brother, I agreed. I remember saying bye dad uncle Andy see you tomorrow. I looked at my mum right in the eyes and saw she was peaceful and said “see you tomorrow mum” I didn’t say bye to mum once at the hospice I was so scared that it would be the last time I’d see her every time I left. With that I waved goodbye and headed home.
That night we sat on the sofas watching crap TV I’d told my brother dad was staying tonight at the hospice so I was staying.
At some point I had fallen asleep, I feel so guilty for falling asleep, I was the adult I was meant to be there.
In the very early hours on August 20th my dad came home, I wasn’t expecting him. I woke up to a scream from my brother and I was confused. Before I could really take in what was going on my dad said my mum had passed away around 1am … my brother was gone locking himself in his room. My dad was on the floor and I was just sat shocked my mum had gone, I’d never get to see her again, why why why.
I text my aunty she already knew dad or uncle Andy must have called her.
I don’t really know why but I logged on line and told a few friends and then I said I had Togo, I hadn’t cried not once. I knew I didn’t want to go home, I wanted to be close to my family, I couldn’t wake my nan she had dementia and would be heartbroken and confused all in one. So I got in my car and drove to the other side of town. My uncle Andy was staying at my other uncles house. I knocked the door and when I saw him something hit me, realisation, my mum was really gone.
I collapsed into my uncles arms, we sat on the sofa he was hugging me and I was just crying, I just wanted my mum but she was gone forever.
When the sun came up, I went home, got dressed. I went into some sort of weird behaviour. I was in town at 9.30am I was buying a thank you card and flowers. I sat in my car writing to the nurses thanking them for looking after my mum. I drove to the hospice and walked in handed over the card & flowers I nearly went seeing someone in my mums room, she’d only been gone a few short hours. The nurse said I was in shock and should go home.
I ended up driving to see family friends to tell them. I ended up at my childhood home and telling my old neighbours she held me tight and said you need to go home. I did.
I didn’t want to go home, I didn’t want to stop, because when I stopped it was real my mum was gone, she’d passed away and I was now without her forever.
Mum I miss you today just as much as I did 10 years ago. I love you so much and I’ll never forget you
Sue 1961-2008
My hero, my mentor, my mum
Vicky xx
