It’s been a whole ten years since you died and what a 10 years it has been. When you died everyone told me it would get easier in time but ten years on I still miss you every single day and wish we could have one more hug or one more chat.
Since you died nan has joined you up in heaven the three of you back together and I bet your all having lots of fun, sometimes I smell your perfume Charlie red, or the lights go out and I think that’s my mum. I stopped looking into the sky and asking you to show me the path because I realise the vicky you knew and the vicky I am now are two very different people.
I stopped hoping you’d show David the way back to me, to chat to be my dad because he won’t ever come. But I saw him the day I told him you died his eyes looked sad for you but not for me mum, why did he never want me? The world is a lonely place with just me I mean I don’t have you or nanny and grandad, I wish I did coz you always knew what what to say and do when things weren’t right.
I really wish you’d lived to see peter grow up into a 20 something you’d be so proud. To meet Madelyn and maisy I just know you’d have loved them so much, you’d have spoilt them both and loved them so much. I know you’d have loved all of the children in the family we are. I know you’d have tried to make sure we all caught up now and again the family was stronger with you here mum.
You told me to have friends and make memories, I’ve tried really hard to not be stuck in a book and experience life, I’ve been to concerts, festivals too. Attended more football matches than you’d probably be impressed with traveling all over the UK and even Europe. I’ve traveled too as I know you knew that was a huge passion of mine. I have been many places and have many memories, you’d have laughed at Carolyn in the sea in Portugal, I just kept filming I probably should have been a bit more concerned! Or my enthusiasm to get Carolyn signed up for kareoke oh I’ve not moved that quick in a long time, you’d have been crying mum.
I’ve had tough times too, eating disorder issues, depression & anxiety and rheumatoid and coming into a wheelchair but I’ve tried to take it in my stride mum and I hope I’ve done you proud coping the best I can, putting up a fight. It’s time to move heart units and I’m scared but being methodical about it, I hope I’m right mum. I’ve dealt with people friends coming in & out of my life and the bullying to of course that wasn’t easy mum but I’ve tried fighting it the best way I can.
It’s been an eventful 10 years and I really wish this anniversary wasn’t coming around already still feels like yesterday but mum I still miss you and I hope I’ve done you proud.
Until we meet again mum one day I’ll keep you in my heart forever I love you mum
Your tricky vicky xx