It’s been two years now since I ate my last meal. I can tell you exactly what it was home made lasagna with chips, it tasted so good! I remember eating my way through it as tears filled my eyes knowing I’d never hear my mans voice again.
Then grief got a hold of me much like it had 8 years previous when my mum passed away. I just couldn’t eat I started loosing weight I was in denial that anything was wrong. Then the bullying started at Man Utd and I just couldn’t eat with nerves & anxiety on top of my grief.
It’s been a real tough ride since then. My anxiety never stopped and my grief well you never stop grieving, trust me I know but you learn to adapt to life without your loved ones.
I eventually got help I literally cried to my doc about how bad things were, I couldn’t eat food the anxiety was to much. I felt so ashamed of my self I was letting myself my family my friend my mum & nan & medical down but I couldn’t snap out of it. I was letting the bully win & my anxiety, I say that because I couldn’t even drink at football any more scared I’d need the loo have Togo past the bullies.
At my lowest I was 4 stone 9 well according to the GP scales mine said 5 stone! They thought I should go into hospital but didn’t want that so I kept saying no. In the end they accepted it.
Now in 2018 I still haven’t put a piece of solid food in my mouth and I still can not drink at football. How ever I have gained weight I’m now 5 stone 10. I survive on puréed food & special medical drinks.
I don’t say this lightly but it’s been a really scary 2 years I honestly thought I may die, so did the doctors they told me every single time I saw them.
I want to firstly say a special thanks to my GP, prof deansfield (he always pushed me to believe I’d eat again I’ll miss him), my dietician, OT, social worker and physio for believing in me and helping me and not just letting me get worse.
I’d like to also thank my family who knew what was going on, my brother for puréeing the sh*t out of my food and helping me during panic attacks over food.
Finally I’d like to thank my friends and confidents, Lee for the ever answering questions and support, to andy B for having my back, to andy M for always asking you ok and having my back, to Ann Marie for the love & support and chas for keeping it all confidential.
I shouldn’t have done a lot I did do, fly go to football but with the right people around me I managed to carry on even though the darkest days and believe me when a doctor says “you could die vicky” you know it’s dark times.
Will it get better now, I’m still here and I’m still fighting now. Never under estimate what friendship can pull you out of. Without our wonderful NHS I’d probably be dead now but I’m still fighting thank you to each and everyone of you.
Vicky xx
